It's so Awesome.

Oh, the things I find online. Oh, how wonderful and mysterious! Oh, how... nauseating at times!

So I think by now we've all seen some of the more ridiculous Obama related cashing-in-on-a-new-president-merch stuff such as The Coin, The Plate, The Water Bottle, and of course The Dildo.
Although I find the dildo the only one to have an actual purpose, let me just say one thing about all this merchandise. Most of these are just to rip you off (the coin, plate... to a point, the dildo), and all of them go towards other people not related to the DNC/Obama's campaign (except for the water bottle).

However, I have found something far better than ANY of the above (because, seriously, why get an Obama dildo, there are FAR better sex toys out there). Something that's so much more artistic than adapting a face to be put on a dildo or plate. Something far more imaginative than any of these.

My fellow Americans (and international readers); allow me to present to you, my latest find.
I bring you....


The Obama Action Figure™!

I do not know the specifics, as I cannot read Japanese. But I assure you there is nothing quite like the pictures you're about to see.

Click any picture to see the full size, meanwhile I'll post captions of what I think each picture is saying about The Obama Action Figure™!

The Obama Action Figure™ comes with Bad-Ass American Flag * the symbol of Pride* with Pointy spike of Justice and base of TRUTH, a stool for giving presidential Addresses, TWO different color ties to show support for the RED and BLUE states, rope of Hope (it's gold, therefore made of HOPE), Microphone for ENHANCING ACOUSTICS, and MANY DIFFERENT HANDS!!!!

Looking better than your sister's Ken Doll in a suit and tie, The President Obama Action Figure™ will help YOU protect your country from The Forces of EVIL!


President Obama's™ shoes are Faux leather for the Vegan Crowd, but also Strong enough to kick some Corperate ASS!

President Obama™ takes all issues seriously. This is a Serious Obama™, this is serious face.


USA©! USA©! USA©! USA©! USA©!!!


After a hard day fighting for truth and justice and regulation, Obama™ needs to relax and take it east by striking an awesome pose.


Sometimes President Obama™ needs to have fun with his microphone and cut loose with some karoke; just be careful, because if it's country music you make him sing....


you'll need the secret service to protect YOU from President Obama™!


President Obama™ doesn't need the Army! He's can be all he can be without the Army!


President Obama™ is well aware of the danger the Zombie horde presents; He always has his Primary Weapon...


and his secondary!


"Only a master of evil, Cheney."
Not even The Dark Side of the Force can tempt Obama-Wan Baraki™.


Thank you Cleveland! You're a Wonderful Audience! Good Night!

It's Been Cold

So, it gets cold up here in Maine.

I really wish we had lightsabers.

It'd make the process of staying warm much easier.










Please note: This is a moose.










And this is me inside of a moose.



Now moose don't like it when you just try to crawl into their mouths, or more unhygienically, up their butts.










So I have to stay warm by killing moose and crawling inside.
They are quite spacious and have windows.

Without a lightsaber, the best way of killing a moose is with a spork, preferably made of titanium.

So you physicists working on lightsaber technology, please hurry. I'm cold.

(Note: I have never killed a moose, and certainly not with a spork. This was just my lame-ass attempt to say I'm trying to keep warm up here.)

Things That are (currently) Pissing Me Off

1. Axl Rose and Guns 'n' Roses

So I take it we all know that Axl Rose is releasing the 15+ years in the making album Chinese Democracy. Har har, cute name because it's an oxymoron. And psudo-ironic.

I enjoy old GnR, Lies and Appetite were both solidly good recordings, and to me, bring back
a nostalgia of childhood/early teenage years when I really got into 'Rock'.

But if you are like me, you've grown sick of the hype surrounding this upcoming release. Axl is the only origional member from GNR to appear on the album, so why not call it a solo album or something else. Dizzy Reed joined GnR when it was at it's peak, and for touring reasons. He did appear on UYI 1&2, and is the only tie that Rose has with the peak the band experienced in the early 1990's.



I expect this album to be top of the charts the week it's released. A lot of fans remember GnR, and will buy anything that has it's name on it. And they have made a lot more fans since they've been inactive since 1993-4. I don't deny that this is fricking awesome, because I'll get a free Dr. Pepper, but it's just a damn album. There will be ups, and there will be downs; prepare to be disappointed, GnR fans.



2. People Magazine: Hugh Jackman
I don't know; maybe I'm a little little fucked up in the head, but Hugh Jackman, right? Wolverine-Hugh Jackman? Van Helsing-Hugh Jackman?



3. George Lucas
Thank you George Lucas for raping my childhood once again. First it was Star Wars, which you started raping back in 1999 with making The Force be about fucking microbiology! I like microbio, it's cool and interesting, but little parasitic bacterium cannot make you be able to choke someone with your mind! Strike 1.

Then, I saw a trailer of EP 2: ATTACK OF THE CONES! (worst subtitle in the history of film making; even more so than Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky). Then I saw the movie.

Let me spell this out for you George...
Y-o-d-a- -w-a-s- -a- -p-u-p-p-e-t-!
And it was fucking awesome! You had him all CGI floating around on a fucking wok pan, and generally raping one of the saddest deaths I ever witnessed in film (when i was 5).

Strike fucking 2.

So onto episode III, the revenge of George's really bad ham fisted comments on politics and giving things really silly names.

Look, man. You started out so good, and you had a wonderful little universe. You had a good story with A New Hope. You had a great story with Empire. Then you had a well rounded conclusion with Jedi (except for the fucking muppets). And, because you wanted to add a personal spa to pamper your aging scrotum, with bubble jets, mineral baths and daily de-wrinkling, you decided to tell more of the story.

There's a reason why Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost is more popular and well known than Paradise Regained.

I'll now briefly list other travesties bestowed upon humanity by you,you hack of a filmmaker.
The Clone Wars, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Willow (fucking hobbit +bible+gulliver's travles ripoff), The Land Before Time (you killed littlefoot's MOM, you fucking bastard; and it has 13 sequels), Howard the Duck, and More American Graffiti. NOT to mention The StarWars Holiday Special (BEA ARTHUR!!!!!)

4. LOST
Okay, I watched the first season when it was on, and then due to various reasons, I stopped watching it. Now, I've been re-watching it with Jen, and now progressed to the third season.

J.J. Abrams is a genius. I watched Alias quite often, I liked Cloverfield as a monster movie, and his remake on Star Trek (which I haven't watched since I was a very young child) is looking promising.

You got me hooked, again. And to top it off, not ONLY is there the show, there is the ARG stuff that you seem to do after every season is done/leading up to the next season.

I am a sucker for ARGs. Year Zero, Why So Serious/The Dark Knight, Iris. And I didn't even buy Iris/Halo 3